Again and again and again and again....

Life would be easier if I was a robot.  And I don't mean so I could get more done in this world -- (you'd need a clone for that, duh.  HELLO Multiplicity?!)  I just find myself at work completing the same inane pointless task or similar task over and over and over. Yes, task. That's all I do is tasks.

Don't I exist to create?  To do work that requires actual thought?  To bring life experiences into my work and my product?  To make things better through idea?

Yes, I do.  And on those rare occasions when I feel like I'm accomplishing those things, I am exceptionally happy that I'm not a robot.  Last night I broke through some self-inflicted neurosis and got some ideas on paper. Ideas that can help bring progress to a project that I've been frankly afraid to move into new territory. Robot me couldn't do that. Of course robot me would have never begun a creative endeavor to begin with. 

So why the drive to drop the emotion and process like a motherboarder?

It's my day job. My 9-5.  My creative vacuum.  I spend so much energy processing with dry cold detachment that I begin to forget how to be creative by the time each day ends.  It's draining to process...to JUST process something in a way that's designed not to be good or interesting or relevant, but instead only meet the needs of gaining singular approval.  It's exhausting to grind out material below capability because the best isn't what anyone in a position to decide actually wants.  The lowest common denominator is easy to find, but it drains your soul every time you give it a treat.

Anyway...the goal isn't to fall into a pit of despair. That's not where I am. I accept that things are what they are for as long as they are.  Change can come, but until it gets here, it'd be nice to be a robot during the day so I didn't have to fight and struggle to relight that creative fire each and every night.  Go to bed excited. Wake up a robot and go to work. Then at the end of the day I become a human again with the drive just as strong.

But no, I've got the up and down... Sometimes it's easy.  Often it's hard.   Occasionally it's impossible.  Only option right now so got to keep the neurotic concern at a minimum.  I need to find a better way.

I'm sure if I became a robot my programming would get corrupted and I'd turn evil and take over the world.  That wouldn't leave much time for writing. 

But I would be a robot king.  That'd be kinda cool.

No comments: